This morning I remembered something that I had not thought about in a while, not sure why it came to me. When I was four years old I went to a friend's swim party. I wasn't a good swimmer yet and was told to stay in the shallow end of the pool. Everyone else was older and having a great time on the other end of the pool. I was satified playing where I was for a little while, but soon wanted to be closer to the action. I noticed a little round dot on the wall and in my head figured that it marked the end of the shallow part of the pool like a public pool that marks the depth on the wall. So I inched my way closer and closer until it seemed suddenly my feet no longer touched the floor of the pool. I tried to get back over to where I could reach but it seemed that the more I tried the harder it was. I quickly became exhausted and panicked and lost control. I went under, then slowly resurfaced but not long enough to get a full breath. Over and over I went under and resurfaced never long enough. I was drowning and it felt as though some one was holding me under the water and not letting me up, yet the funny thing was, it was me that was causing it. Everything was dark and I was feeling dizzy and did not know how long it had been going on for. But then I felt an arm around me and was lifted up out of the water. The friend's mom had noticed what was going on and dove in fully clothed to help me. The first full breath I took after I was out of the water hurt yet felt so good at the same time. I was exhausted and cold but felt free.
Then I realized that THIS is exactly how I felt going through learning about Jesse's Autism. It felt like I was drowning and for a long time that feeling has held me down in a depression. But slowly while watching Jesse grow and progress over the past 9 months I have been taking little breaths and relized today that I am "out of the water" and no longer drowning. Not sure when or how long its been but I am finally feeling free again. I know that Jesse is going to be who ever God intended him to be despite, and because of, the Autism. Its just part of who he is.
